why we walk away

she was beautiful
smart
young
she made you smile
and you had forgotten how

she filled the cracks in your life
with laughter
and music
and you could have loved her

but your bruised heart
could not hold on
could not grip
the weight within her love

I will not yield

drown my words
bend your knife
between my ribs
and twist it slowly
bring me down
let me crash
let me burn
beat me to my knees
snap every bone
remove my clothes
and leave me naked and cold
take all my possessions
and drag me to your version of hell
de-construct my faith
and leave me godless
turn all that I love against me
and empty my heart
but enemy of mine
take heed
look at what is left
and know that it is stronger
and more frightening
than all your hatred for me
for I will never yield
and when you walk away
don't look back
for that is when I rise

a storm in my life

I lived in a single season

where my skies were clear

and where a gentle breeze

kept my eyes closed

and my mind numb

I did not see her grey clouds

or feel her chilled wind

only when the first drops of rain

touched my face

did I awake
within the comfort of her storm

the day I died

I am dead

I died a long while ago

interned deep within the earth

whereupon an empty sermon was spilt

and a few kind words thrown down

like handfuls of soil upon my coffin lid

now they let this dead man rest

and speak only of him in whispers

dead

forgotten

decaying in pieces

no rose

no tears shed

just fragments

of half-remembered dreams

mark the place where he lays

the dark secret

the black sheep

the unforgiven

the man who could have been much more

the walls remain

the walls remain

they always have done

it is though I never left

higher than I recall

but you can't see them

only I know they are there

I move closer

they move further away

elusive

suffocating

endless

and within 

the hopeless romantic

loyal I was

like a soldier
but there was no equity in your love

and no impunity in mine

your heart was an oubliette

I could not reach

so I fell before your bars

staring up into the darkness

with a thin dead smile upon my lips

dear god

I have been meaning to write
for a while now
but you probably knew that
but I just couldn't find the words
to express how I was feeling inside
but I suppose you knew that too
thanks for my life
I am grateful for the spark
thanks for the beauty that I occasionally see
and the freedom to dream
thanks for the lessons I have learnt
and I am sorry about the ones I ignored
I am as you know not perfect
but God I wanted to ask you a favour
if you think I've been good
addressed my sins
if I have lived with an honest heart
and tried to be a good father
then please when my life is over
when my body separates from my soul
I am asking
I am begging you
just let me go



(This was beginning. Religion slipped away from me. Truth, fact and science filled the void.)

the model

she lies next to a bath

her legs raised
her arms thrown back
a surreal invitation
but this is the shot
the image preconceived
half naked across a bed
or whaleboned in beauty
like this she capture eyes
and surrenders visions

that can never land

or attach to our reality



(For the girl who missed the bath.)

keeping it jewish

My son has a little problem. So I took him to the Doctor who explained about the unwanted skin on his "willy" and how a simple operation would make it all better. He seemed a little upset so I explained that it was an operation that I had had when I was a little boy. The following day he came rushing up to me in the school playground and in front of several (female) parents said, "I've told my teacher that I'm going to have an operation and that my willy is going to be like yours." Humiliation aside... it was one of those wonderful moments you have as a parent when a child's naivety cuts straight through the unwanted skin that covers our own inhibitions...

my dad

when I am scared at night

my dad is there

when I am in trouble

my dad is there

when I am upset

my dad is there

my dad is always there

(Written for me by my daughter, Madison on the 30th December 2010)