waiting to board

silent lovers holding hands
and exchanging knowing smiles
university students cutting the air
with coarse laughter about sex
and binge drinking
the businessman adjust his posture
to hear more detail
or less
I don't know
the brunette in the beanie is reading Kafka
he's not my favourite
an old couple fumble with passports
and euros
he smiles at her
and she kisses his forehead
years of love compressed
into one simple act
I sink back and think about today
about tomorrow
I think about my place in this world
and my purpose
I look at everyone around me
as if they were alternate lives
in alternate worlds
I marvel at the diversity
of this human condition
and for the first time in my life
I realise that we are all passengers
heading to different destinations

painting his endings

another ending has begun
but still he pledges allegiance
to his favourite lie
and as he holds Occam's razor
against his wrist
refusing to take the simplest explanation
unwilling in even the dying seconds
to untangle his heart
with the hands that refuse
to let go of her name
choosing instead
to open a fresher wound
for this is now his passion
his art
he'll take the blows
and he'll bleed out a little more
for this is his ink
and he still believes
that within it
she still breathes

his final masterpiece

dangerous curves

happiness can be
found by avoiding
candlelight
and florists
sunsets
and warm empty beaches
autumn forests cut by sunlight
and red wine devoured
on shrinking sofas
poorly written poetry
and cotton dresses
held up by a simple bow
restaurants on valentine's night
and blind dates arranged
by careless friends
soft voices in moonlight
and goodnight kisses
on slender necks
but lastly
and most importantly
you must avoid
her curves
her dangerous curves

desperately seeking me

I have seen war

but only the wounds of others
have left their scars
and I have seen sacrifice
and an unwillingness to yield
to love
to death
and to a thousand vices
I have bled love
and lost a lover’s heart
I have hated and spoken
falsehoods of others
I have told the truth
and damned my soul for it
I have created life
and in that birth found my father's heart
I have laughed with friends
so hard I cried
I have seen friends die
and watched many just fade away

I have been called husband
dad
lover
friend
brother
son
uncle
enemy
bastard
and sir
I have caused pain to others
yet gave everything
when I had nothing left to give
I have made bad decisions
and good ones that could
have been better
I have misjudged others
and given many too much trust
I have refused to listen
yet screamed and kicked
when I could not be heard

I have betrayed love with my heart
but never my body
I have defended the weak more times
than I have walked away
I have given the illusion of defeat
but known none in my heart
and yet still I would go into battle
knowing that I could never win
I have stood within the hatred of others
and stained my pride for life
and in my ignorance
I have mocked race and religion
yet I would defend anyone
from bigotry
injustice
or harm

I have moved through life
with the momentum
from fear
anger
love
pain
joy
and disbelief
I have cried in the rain
and screamed in a storm
I have faced death
and felt both fear and relief
in its shadow
I have lived alone
and with a lover
I have seen a sunset
that burnt the heavens
and a night that felt
like the end of the world
I have witnessed so many
moments
yet so many more are
forgotten
relegated
lost
discarded
or burnt to ash

I have learnt
that love is intermittent
and that we are not faultless
but amazingly flawed
I have been my own contradiction
and a paradox of virtue to others
I have been the hypocrite
and the fool
I have been the romantic
and still the fool
I have fallen from the grace
of too many gods
and studied the wisdom
of those who tried to make sense
of this chaos
and in doing so
found only that all that I know
is that I know nothing

like Dorian's picture
I rot with age
yet still I feel the echo of my youth
I have danced in the rain
like a madman
to the music of Jagger and Richards
I have drunk with beery strangers
and savoured a fine wine alone
I have smoked cannabis
and laughed as I choked
I have prayed for things
no god would grant
and been given things
that I did not want
and some I never realised
I needed

I have closets filled with bones
and moments
that I wish I could rewrite
or erase
I have been haunted by unrequited love
and inspired by new
I have let go and lost
I have held on and lost
I have been asked to change
to lie
to steal
to break hearts
and immobilise souls
yet still I held true
to a creed
built on the ruins of my sins
that we are indeed in the end
the sum of the good we create
and the kindness we gift

(a work and life in progress...)

the hogan

white paper

pinned at an uneasy pace

with unworkable words

the strokes form nonsense

and line after line
dissolve before me

dropping the haste

of my running thoughts

like litter on bitterly cold streets

for no word or words

can capture

the warmth that fills

my heart

when I merely think

of your name

(sometimes you can not write what needs to be said.... )

I love you

I love you
a sentence
just a simple sentence

some whisper it into sleepy ears
some casually throw it to appease
some drop it thoughtlessly
some fumble with its volatility
some blow their hearts to bits
some practice it in front of mirrors
some deliver it with a Shakespearean air
some deliver it through drunk and uncooperative lips
some say it through a mask of tears
some capsize it
some harbour it safely
some tame it
some bend it
some break it
some respect its mouthwatering richness
some deny it and thirst
some release it too soon
some release it too late
some make is seamless
some make it sharp

I love you
a sentence
just a simple sentence

katie

walking into

a solitary moment

with thoughts

I can only dream

of catching

that is how

I will remember you

arthur

he glances up
from life stained eyes

as he swallows his pint
and surveys the room

his mortally wounded flesh

which decays as we watch him

will only be mourned

by the dented barrels

in the damp cellars

he always pays with change

careful to discard

the silver fives that

he hates so much

he lays them in beery puddles
to annoy the tepid barman

then shuffles back to his corner seat

unhurried
uncaring

and surrounded by a generation

that will never remember him

he quietly sips to their youth
with frothy bleached lips
and open flies

for he is Old Arthur

a man whose court opens

at midday and shuts at eleven

a king whose Avalon awaits

within a pint a rough cider

(he was an old man who had worked the docks in Bristol.. he sat in the same spot in the pub for over 40 years.. we talked often and played cribbage.. and I was one of four at his funeral)

the little bang theory

"We're in this for infinity and then some." said God to his sub contractors.

"There will be problems." he added
"And my design will continually evolve!"
"So, do you still want the job?" he asked
The contractors nodded and shouted, "Yes!"
But secretly they mulled over his plans and looked at areas where corners could be cut.
"Let's make it round instead of square." said one and when God wasn't looking they all nodded.

what if

exhausted and godless

pulled from my roots

I lay at your side

admiring the gentle curves

that defend your heart

this game

your rules

so relaxed

so bold

so irreverent to love

tears me apart

every time you say

"what if?"

upon reflection

he stands near

the edge of the pool

placing negatives over the winter

it was spring then

she walked towards him

half lost in a morning mist

a man

this man

stands where he stood then

waiting for the years

to recede

to forgive

to heal

and then return him

to that morning

to that love

the days between now and then

have rolled seamlessly into one

it is only the man who changes

he waits for a while

as if he expects her to return

but in the end

he walks away alone

the image stolen

tinted

altered

and put in his pocket

for in his mind

he stands with her still

(I suppose this is love from the perspective of youth. I still savour the moment and the woman but I have to put it into the context of who we were then. Some loves are still timeless but all are worth remembering. For in the end, that we loved and were loved in return, is all that surely matters.)

the problem with porridge

one was too far
one was too married
one was too near
one was too young
one was too afraid
but all were just right
and that's the problem with love
it can be eaten hot or cold

not whole

she tells me about her hair
her legs
and her looks
she tells me that a little affair
would be healthy for me
she tells me that she thinks in pictures
but that she worries
that I will see through her
but I do not tell her of my fear
that my heart would crack
if I sowed myself into her words
and as I walk away
I realise that although not broken
I am still not whole


28th March 2014

love

love I often think
is an acronym for

losers

often

vanish

entirely

I would
because I usually do

enough now

there is a place

that exists

between

our fingertips

where "what ifs" burst
and happy endings burn

my song is ending
for my time was yesterday
and tomorrow is all yours
my days are sepia
and yours are still crisp
and dripping with technicolour

still unwritten
still young
I will not burden you
for I love this love too much

but a part of me
the unbroken part
that resonates in your voice
and dies repeatedly in your eyes
will keep this love
like a secret
like a unspoken wish
until my song is sung

joy in misread adverts

Just misread a dating advert in FaceBook.. thought it said "Find Logical Women"... for a moment I was really interested...

the poet

he will cut open his feelings

and bleed them across

fields of paper

he will drag them
claw at them

erase them

and then bind them

around his empty heart

a heart that waits for a spark

and then the words

will write his love

upon another's heart

I will forgive me

so we are here
it is time to end
this is our final moment
all your sins and smiles
miscounted or not
don't matter anymore
you still judge yourself
you still hold too many regrets
let go
it never mattered to me

your mind holds the echo
of our youth
and though our mind holds on
our flesh has already let it go
our heart is tired now
it has raced us across fields
through love
through laughter
and pain
now it says enough
rest easy
stop running
look up and see the sun

I do not hold your crimes
above your name
I just hold the hand of a man who lived
and loved
and tried to find a peace
that was never his to find
so rest easy now

your legacy may be lost
but none are kept true
your words will be forgotten
but will be repeated unknowingly
by others who follow us
for this experience
is not unique
it is shared by all mankind

we have lived my friend
and in some days we soared
so let us rest easy now
let us close our eyes
savour that last breath
and smile together
as one
for now it ends for us both





(I once wondered what I would say to myself if I could be there when I was dying.)

the irish uppercut

she jabbed me with a smile
it glanced off my jaw
but then came her laugh
square on my chin
two quick jabs with her eyes
sent a sucker punch to my heart
I was down
all was black and stars
and all I could hear was the count
higher the numbers rose
my corner screamed
two
three
four
get up
five
fight back you fool
six
but I had no strength
seven
I had no fight left in me
eight
for in truth
nine
I was happy to finally lose
ten

you're out



Written on the 4th March 2016
Inspired on the 3rd March 2016

(For SBMH)

you I asleep

curled
snug
close
within
tucked
hungry
devoured
one

driving

Hours ahead of me. Hours behind me. I grip the wheel tightly as if it was the only thing pulling me forward. I think about letting go and letting my car pull away. But there is nothing metaphysical in the steel and glass that wraps me within. If I let go I will just kill myself. The miles count down in decimals on a device that tracks my exact position in this world. Ironically even though I know where I am, I don't know where I am. Roads narrow and widen. Traffic roars into emptiness and then I am stillness. I am within a journey. My track may be linear but the pace is governed by a dice roll, weather and idiots with poor spatial awareness. My day ends long after the sun sets and my day often begins before the sun rises. I am momentum. I am a point between the distance between two points. I am nowhere. I am somewhere.