grating expectations

I like her
she makes me smile
I feel an attraction
but all I could paint
was a collage of light bondage
and chickens on crack

truly

a tastier dish
I have never seen
than lean pork sausages
and granola

still bleeding

I was chatting to someone through "WhatsApp" recently about my life. So, basically I was reducing years of pain into brief castrated sentences sprinkled with emojis. After we had finished I felt depressed. My wounds had reopened. I was bleeding again. It still gets to me sometimes. My Wife's adultery as my Father slowly died of Cancer. The 7 years alone with my children. The decision to let someone go, who I had loved and needed. But I had always put my children first and that is something I will never regret. Then when they both turned 14, they left me to live with their Mum. My daughter dropped my surname for her Mother's maiden name. She then posted pictures of her Mum's partner calling him the "Best Dad in the World." Twist a knife between my ribs and it would have hurt less.

My ex is a bitter woman. Twisted by revenge. Obsessed with money and clinging to her youth like someone clinging to a ledge. She will fall one day and she will fall hard. But that's her journey, not mine. In truth I must confess that I don't know how I manage to get up in the morning or how I even find the energy to care for others. As some days the pain is unbearable. But I don't yield to this pain. I never yield. I just keep moving forward. Life also holds not even the slightest mystery for me now, yet pleasure is found in the simplest of things. A sunrise. A smile. A child's laughter. Helping others. But I no longer suffer fools or people who take me for granted. If someone doesn't appreciate or value me then I step away without any hesitation. If someone asks me to dilute myself or take back a kindness then I return to their shadows.

For who I am now, is no longer negotiable..... and for the first time, in what fells like a lifetime, I like me.