desperately seeking me

I have seen war

but only the wounds of others
have left their scars
and I have seen sacrifice
and an unwillingness to yield
to love
to death
and to a thousand vices
I have bled love
and lost a lover’s heart
I have hated and spoken
falsehoods of others
I have told the truth
and damned my soul for it
I have created life
and in that birth found my father's heart
I have laughed with friends
so hard I cried
I have seen friends die
and watched many just fade away

I have been called husband
dad
lover
friend
brother
son
uncle
enemy
bastard
and sir
I have caused pain to others
yet gave everything
when I had nothing left to give
I have made bad decisions
and good ones that could
have been better
I have misjudged others
and given many too much trust
I have refused to listen
yet screamed and kicked
when I could not be heard

I have betrayed love with my heart
but never my body
I have defended the weak more times
than I have walked away
I have given the illusion of defeat
but known none in my heart
and yet still I would go into battle
knowing that I could never win
I have stood within the hatred of others
and stained my pride for life
and in my ignorance
I have mocked race and religion
yet I would defend anyone
from bigotry
injustice
or harm

I have moved through life
with the momentum
from fear
anger
love
pain
joy
and disbelief
I have cried in the rain
and screamed in a storm
I have faced death
and felt both fear and relief
in its shadow
I have lived alone
and with a lover
I have seen a sunset
that burnt the heavens
and a night that felt
like the end of the world
I have witnessed so many
moments
yet so many more are
forgotten
relegated
lost
discarded
or burnt to ash

I have learnt
that love is intermittent
and that we are not faultless
but amazingly flawed
I have been my own contradiction
and a paradox of virtue to others
I have been the hypocrite
and the fool
I have been the romantic
and still the fool
I have fallen from the grace
of too many gods
and studied the wisdom
of those who tried to make sense
of this chaos
and in doing so
found only that all that I know
is that I know nothing

like Dorian's picture
I rot with age
yet still I feel the echo of my youth
I have danced in the rain
like a madman
to the music of Jagger and Richards
I have drunk with beery strangers
and savoured a fine wine alone
I have smoked cannabis
and laughed as I choked
I have prayed for things
no god would grant
and been given things
that I did not want
and some I never realised
I needed

I have closets filled with bones
and moments
that I wish I could rewrite
or erase
I have been haunted by unrequited love
and inspired by new
I have let go and lost
I have held on and lost
I have been asked to change
to lie
to steal
to break hearts
and immobilise souls
yet still I held true
to a creed
built on the ruins of my sins
that we are indeed in the end
the sum of the good we create
and the kindness we gift

(a work and life in progress...)